not a baby anymore

I have said since before Evan was born that he would likely be my last (biological) baby. Natural childbirth really confirmed that in my mind. No more pregnancies and childbirth for Heidi, please and thank you.

So for a while now I've been looking forward to leaving babyhood behind. I can't tell you how glad I will be to come to the end of dirty diapers and sticky fingers and food in the hair and the interminable slowness of a toddler trying to do everything for himself. I am so looking forward to the freedom we will have when we no longer need naps and strollers and the cumbersome toddler car seat. We took a major step last week when we took down the crib. His new haircut makes him look more like a little boy, and less like a baby boy. He is really, finally growing up. At last.

Lately I've been cleaning out a lot of our old things for an upcoming garage sale. Holy crap, do we have a lot of junk. We are clearing out vast expanses of space in the basement by getting rid of the huge stroller, the baby swing, and the baby bathtub, among other things. And the clothes! We have bin upon bin of old clothes in all sizes.

So today I was sorting the clothes. Putting away James' old clothes and getting out summer clothes for Evan, besides figuring out what to get rid of. And I went through the box of 2Ts, and ohmigod are they enormous. And I could not wrap my mind around the idea that my little, tiny baby boy is actually big enough to fit into those gigantic clothes!

It got worse when I made a realization. The realization was this: if I'm not going to have any more babies in the foreseeable future, then there is no reason to hang onto the mountains of tiny baby clothes in my basement. Shocker, right? But there is something about the idea of losing those baby clothes that is just so sad to me. I am giving away my boys' tiny baby clothes and dressing my baby toddler in real little boy clothes.

I have been looking forward to moving ahead for so long that I never really thought about the fact that that means leaving babyhood behind forever. And this is just one of those difficult stages of parenthood, happy and sad and bittersweet all at once, equal parts mourning and relief.

My little boy, my last little boy, is growing up.