19 May 2008

and on and on and on and on

I've been in kind of a funk lately, so I probably won't be posting much this week.

I'm in a rut right now where I'm looking to the future and seeing nothing but miles of monotony. Mostly I'm fine with the way my life is, but the past few days, the past week or so, it's feeling incredibly useless and depressing. My life is a broken record.

I cook and cook and cook, which takes as much mental energy as physical, what with planning menus and making things nutritious and even just trying to have each element of a meal on the table at once, and then we eat all of the food and my hard work has disappeared and I have to do it all over again.

I wash our dishes and wash our clothes over and over, every day, and yet we're always dirtying more dishes, dirtying more clothes, and I have to wash and wash again and again.

I pick up puzzles and blocks and Legos and trains and videos and yo-yos and board games, but the boys always need something to play with, so as soon as one thing is put away, something else comes out and I'm always picking up, putting away, picking up, putting away.

Let's not even get into other people's bodily fluids, because those never stop coming, either, and those things fall squarely into a mama's job description.

It is work that I do, this domestic stuff, this mothering stuff. Yet it's a curious kind of work, in which all of my efforts are continuously negated by other people, and there is never anything to show for all this work that I do. Everyone has housework, everyone has responsibilities, of course, but to take your own burden and multiply it by four (and with children, it often feels like even more than that), it just gets tiring.

No matter what else I do with my time -- taking the kids to the park, going to the grocery store, reading a book, going camping, sewing, playing board games -- those things are just tiny breaks in the never-ending monotony of domestic responsibility, and I am tired. I never envisioned that this was what my life would be. Most of the time it's okay. But once in a while it just makes me very, very sad that this is all there is right now.


Julie said...

Hopefully this doesn't seem cliche, but it won't last forever. And while you are overcome by monotomy, your children will really benefit from it. You are an amazing mom, and it's pretty easy to see.

Happy day.

Anonymous said...

it's perfectly understandable you feel that way, who wouldn't! just housework itself or running errands makes me tiresome and i have zero kids to take care of at the same time, my dinners don't always have to be cooked if i don't feel like cooking, and the dust can keep on lurking around if i don't feel like cleaning it (which it often does to be honest, khm). i can hardly imagine doing the amount of work you do(thumbs up for that, it really is amazing!). i'm sure that when the kids get a bit older you'll be able to find more time for yourself, maybe get a job that fulfills you and gives you something that's just *yours*, go out more often, see your friends...

till then... maybe you can think of things that make you happy (music, a walk in the park by yourself, anything...) and get a bit of time off from the monotony? ask greg to take the kids on a trip by himself while you stay home or go somewhere on your own and do something that feel you need to do for yourself(which, of course, would include ZERO housework)? i know it's not much... but maybe it would help a bit.

and you know where to find me if you need to talk :)
many hugs,

melissa said...

if it makes you feel any better, no matter what your job is mothering or "professional", there always comes a time when your all your efforts seem pointless. i can't tell you how many times i had the "i never imagined my life would turn out like this" conversation with myself. hopefully you can take comfort in knowing no matter where our responsibilities lie, we all feel lost, saddened and misplaced sometimes. just know you're doing more (in more ways than one) than most of us are doing.

Samay said...

I'm surprised it's taken this long for you to get frustrated.

I'm sure good things will come along and help get over the hump, especially when the kids get older and can take care of more things on their own.

OR - you could rob a bank and use the money to hire a nanny and a cook. And a butler, just 'cause they're cool.

kim said...

Ugh - I know exactly how you feel. Lately the straw that breaks the camel's back for me is fingernails, as silly as that sounds - I feel like every other day, I am cutting the kids' fingernails, and yet my children are still goring me or themselves with these little claws that never stop growing. No matter how often I cut, they still keep scratching - it all feels pointless.

Life really does make you weary sometimes. Even when you know that it won't last forever and that you will get through it, that doesn't always make the present any easier. But you need to realize and remember that what you are doing matters for your family. Granted, the menial parts like making sandwiches and wiping snot don't seem like they matter, but the life and the home that you're building for them - the hard work that you're doing day in and day out - really does matter. A lot. Hang in there.

Katie said...

Thanks for the honest post. Hang in there. The alternative could be complete chaos. I think you're doing a great job, by all blog accounts! And, I'm sure your daily routine brings such security to your children.

Happy Spring!

Emily said...

Everyone gets in a rut....and it's great that you can just go ahead and admit how you're feeling. Too many women try to pretend like they are just SO HAPPY all the time. But it will pass and you'll find something to excite you soon!

andreajacy said...

yea to be honest i feel a little relieved to know that youre human supermom. at least youre struggling this phase while youre young; youll be free to do so many things so much earlier. im sure ill be much whinier when i get to your point, you seem to take it all in stride.

hope you are feeling better this week!